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Oct. 20th, 2014 | 11:44 pm

#11 / Ahead

Jin has his legs folded behind him and painfully sitting on his ankles like the formal japanese way of sitting down in front of his flat screen, the one that’s in the living room along with the whole entertainment shebang, - expensive Bose speakers scattered around the living room to complete the whole personal cinematic experience, two lazyboys in the set in each side of a long luxurious couch he so graciously ignored - one hand holding the huge remote control, a finger propped to the rewind button just in case the clip comes to an end. Again.

And again.

And again.

Say it again, he murmurs just for himself now that he’s all alone in a house that’s built for two and the clip ends in an abrupt stop in noisy buzzing, silver ants fill up the wide screen. Jin would have liked it to be a little longer like among other things.

The clip plays again - starts with an unfocused, fuzzy close up image of Kame trying to get the camera to work to his liking and then there’s clearness, Kame’s uneven skin without the help of make up and his skinny shoulders showing courtesy of his black wife beater. Jin has already seen this clip a lot of times to the point where he already knows what going to go next, what words Kame will say, how he will say it, when the tears will start to pour and when the smiles will start to shake.

Jin still wants to watch it over and over again because this is all he has left.

He assumes there’s only a tripod and a camera when Kame decided to film this little clip for him - there is no ring light to enhance his features, only a white wall that seemed to belong in their attic he tried to smile for the most part of the clip because he was always one step ahead of Jin because he knew he has to be strong enough for the both of them, always looked out for him even when he was the one who needing looking out for.

I can’t hold your hand in the evening anymore, can’t kiss you when you need some loving, can’t smile for you when you need me to smile but I will still be in your heart even if I’m not around, not around to do all those things for you, Kame’s voice resounds in his brain like a melody - low pitched and calculated as he tries not to burst out into tears and instead he chuckles awkwardly, thinking that it’s weird to cry in front of a camera when it’s not a drama or a movie scene that needs to be filmed, but his life or what's left of it.

Jin thinks there are no more tears to cry when he’s shed them all already, no amount of water in his system can force anymore tears out of his eyes but he's nowhere immune to the pain that this video clip brings.

We’ve known each other for half of our lives, took us a decade to admit to ourselves what we are right now and spent seven years of domestic bliss in the nest we’ve secretly created from the paparazzi vultures that are just waiting to capture us and make us the next headline, Kame smiles at that part when Jin doesn’t. He knows what Kame's picturing in his mind, the art of playing hookie was always Jin's forte and that made him laugh, it always interested him how Jin could be so creative when it comes to skipping work but so incredibly stupid when it comes to the actual thing.

You’ve tried you’re very best to love me, to take care of me when you knew there were certain consequences and for that I’m thankful for you and there isn’t a day that I wasn’t because you will always be the single most special person in the world and that’s what pretty much motivated my heart to keep on beating, this is the part where Jin would cry or maybe sniffle but not anymore, he just can’t shed anymore tears.

And when this video is over, I want you to smile and face the world and love again, Kame's cheeks are damp by now. Jin's staring at the nose bump then to Kame's lips because his eyes are just too pure to look at.

He presses replay.

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