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Jul. 18th, 2014 | 12:19 am

#9 / Done
not obvious but this is jaechun

there's a haze in his vision - a mix of blue and gray - like cigarette smoke in hot air inside the dizzying lights of a club only he's not in a club, he's not in a room full of people who's out to find love in a reckless place. he's in a place where the only illumination he has is the faint light of the stars and the moonlight, the air is cold but he's used to this; his hands start to shake as he takes a step closer to the edge.

the car's engine is running behind him, there's a small buzz that fills his head as he concentrates on that sound - something comforting settles inside his ribs, it feels nice. there's a stack of photos in the back seat dating from 1999 to the present, some had been taken by film, some digital and a few hand drawn maps in tissue paper he's collected in coffee shops he frequents. memories of his youth all compiled in the back seat of his car together with three rims of marlboro reds and a ziplock bag of marijuana - his hand twitches again.

his phone is blowing up in the sand, he's dropped it by accident earlier and he didn't bother to pick it up as he was distracted by the soft light of the sun setting and the quirky shapes made by the trees. right now, his foot is in the edge of the cliff, right now he could take one more step and he could go, like he always wanted to - he could fly away.

what are you afraid of?, he remembers yoochun say, naked bodies pressed in white sheets, hot hot breath kissing his face as he distracts him with his lips. he shakes his head to confirm, nothing, i'm afraid of nothing.

he wouldn't be standing here in this spot if he was afraid of something, he brings his finger up in the air like he's checking its direction like how the golfers do it, he remembers yoochun likes golf but he shakes his head, he won't let his attention get swayed - he's not afraid of anything.

he senses the wind is going east but he could be wrong, he's always been bad at navigation, or at following instructions but he's always been the best driver but that hardly counts thinking there are far more people who are better drivers than him. he closes his eyes, sees the thousands of people yell him name in unison, white, green, blue, red lights for him as he sings and sings until his throat burns, until his heart gets filled up with the emotions as he sings.

not feeling, no pain, no fear, he remembers singing to him one night as he pushes away the stray hair away from his handsome face, the only person he wants to sing to, as he kneels closely to the grass; his knuckles are white as the noise in his brain as he sings, there is no fear.

paradise, jaejoong thinks, is not just a figment of his imagination. it's the ultimate promise land, where there will be no pain, no fear - absolutely no fear. he brings his hand down, closes his eyes then takes a step to paradise - he flies away.

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